# 🔥 The Kinky Coder's Manifesto 🔥
## Programming Paradigms for Horny Developers

*A Century of Software Engineering Wisdom, Made Memorable Through Innuendo*

---

## Introduction

Let's face it: programming books are boring as hell. You've read "Clean Code," you've suffered through design pattern textbooks, and you still write spaghetti code because none of it stuck.

**Why?** Because your brain is wired for SEX, not SOLID principles.

This manifesto distills 100 years of programming wisdom into unforgettable, kinky acronyms that'll make you a better developer while making your code reviews way more interesting.

**Warning:** HR may not approve. Your code quality definitely will.

---

## Core Principles

### RAPE: Really Always Program Efficiently
**The Golden Rule of Clean Code**

Write code that's tight, efficient, and gets straight to the point. No foreplay with unnecessary complexity.

**Good RAPE:**
- ✅ Functions under 50 lines
- ✅ Clear, single responsibility
- ✅ DRY (Don't Repeat Yourself)
- ✅ Delete instead of comment

**Bad RAPE:**
- ❌ 1000-line monolithic files
- ❌ Copy-paste programming
- ❌ Nested callbacks 8 levels deep
- ❌ "I'll refactor it later" (narrator: they didn't)

**Example:**
```typescript
// Not RAPE - bloated and repetitive
function getUserName(user: User) {
  if (user !== null && user !== undefined) {
    if (user.name !== null && user.name !== undefined) {
      return user.name;
    } else {
      return "Anonymous";
    }
  } else {
    return "Anonymous";
  }
}

// RAPE-compliant - tight and efficient
function getUserName(user?: User): string {
  return user?.name ?? "Anonymous";
}
```

---

### SEX: Secure Every eXistence
**The Security Principle**

Every user, every session, every request deserves safe SEX. Protect them all.

**Practice Safe SEX:**
- ✅ Validate ALL user input (trust nobody)
- ✅ Authentication on every protected route
- ✅ Authorization checks (role-based access)
- ✅ Sanitize file uploads
- ✅ Parameterized queries (no SQL injection)
- ✅ HTTPS everywhere
- ✅ Secure session management

**Unsafe SEX:**
- ❌ `eval()` with user input
- ❌ Trusting client-side validation
- ❌ Hardcoded credentials
- ❌ Directory traversal vulnerabilities
- ❌ Exposing stack traces to users
- ❌ Missing CSRF protection

**Remember:** One unprotected endpoint can ruin everything. Wrap it before you tap it.

---

### FAGS: Forgetfully Adding Generative Stuff
**Dead Code Detection**

Code that serves no purpose. It's just taking up space and making everyone uncomfortable.

**Common FAGS:**
- Unused imports
- `.backup` files in git
- Commented-out code blocks
- Components not imported anywhere
- Duplicate implementations
- "TODO" comments from 2019
- Console.logs in production

**Response:** DELETE ALL FAGS IMMEDIATELY. No mercy.

**Why FAGS are bad:**
- Confuse new developers
- Bloat your codebase
- Make searching harder
- Suggest lack of confidence
- Create merge conflicts

**The Rule:** If you're not using it RIGHT NOW, delete it. Git remembers everything anyway.

---

### AIDS: Always Interpret Documentation Sufficiently
**The Alignment Principle**

When code and documentation don't match, one of them has AIDS. Fix it.

**Signs of AIDS:**
- ❌ Comments describe functions that don't exist
- ❌ README describes features not implemented
- ❌ API docs show wrong endpoints
- ❌ Code uses deprecated patterns but docs say "best practice"
- ❌ Database schema doesn't match migrations

**Healthy Code:**
- ✅ Documentation reflects reality
- ✅ Comments explain WHY, not WHAT
- ✅ Architecture docs match implementation
- ✅ API docs generated from code (OpenAPI, etc.)

**Treatment:** Update either code or docs to align. Both having AIDS is inexcusable.

---

### PEGGED: People Engineer Grand Goals, but Engineers Die
**The Sunk Cost Principle**

Just because someone spent 3 months building a feature doesn't mean you're married to it.

**When to PEG something:**
- Nobody uses it
- Maintenance costs > value
- Better alternatives exist
- Requirements changed
- It was a bad idea from the start

**Examples that should be PEGGED:**
- The "blockchain integration" from 2021
- The custom ORM when Prisma exists
- The microservice with 2 endpoints
- The "temporary" workaround from 3 years ago

**Philosophy:** Don't let past effort dictate future direction. Kill your darlings ruthlessly.

**The PEGGED Ceremony:**
1. Identify the obsolete feature
2. Delete it completely (no commenting out)
3. Update docs to remove references
4. Celebrate the freed-up mental space

---

### MOMMY: Man, Old Men Migrate.... whY?
**The Backwards Compatibility Principle**

In early development, backwards compatibility is premature optimization.

**MOMMY says:**
- ❌ No complex migration systems pre-launch
- ❌ No API versioning for 0 users
- ❌ No legacy support contracts
- ✅ Break things and rebuild better
- ✅ Dump and reload databases freely
- ✅ Refactor without fear

**When to ignore MOMMY:**
- You have paying customers
- You have SLAs to honor
- You have mobile apps in the wild
- Breaking changes affect real users

**But until then:** Ask MOMMY - "Why am I doing extra work for nobody?"

---

## Advanced Techniques

### ORAL: Optimize Readability And Logic
**The Clarity Principle**

Your code should be as easy to go down as a well-written README. Smooth, clear, no surprises.

**Good ORAL:**
```typescript
// Clear and readable
function calculateTotalPrice(items: CartItem[]): number {
  const subtotal = items.reduce((sum, item) => sum + item.price * item.quantity, 0);
  const tax = subtotal * TAX_RATE;
  const shipping = calculateShipping(items);
  return subtotal + tax + shipping;
}
```

**Bad ORAL:**
```typescript
// Wtf is happening here
function ctp(i: any) {
  return i.reduce((s, x) => s + x.p * x.q, 0) * 1.0875 +
    (i.reduce((s, x) => s + x.w, 0) > 10 ? 0 : 5.99);
}
```

**ORAL Tips:**
- Variable names should be obvious
- Functions should do ONE thing
- Avoid clever tricks
- Comments explain WHY, not WHAT
- No nested ternaries

---

### POUND: Please Organize, Understand, Navigate, Document
**The Structure Principle**

Your project structure should be so intuitive, even your drunk self at 3am can find things.

**Well-POUNDED Structure:**
```
/src
  /components
    /admin      ← Admin-only components
    /layout     ← Headers, footers, etc.
    /modals     ← Modal dialogs
  /routes
    /api        ← API endpoints
    /auth       ← Auth routes
  /utils        ← Helper functions
  /types        ← TypeScript types
```

**Poorly POUNDED:**
```
/src
  component.tsx
  component2.tsx
  thing.ts
  utils.ts
  stuff.tsx
  helpers.ts
  NEW_component_final_v2.tsx
```

**POUND Rules:**
- Folders named by purpose, not generic terms
- Related files stay together
- Max 10 files per folder
- No "misc" or "helpers" dumping grounds

---

### HORNY: Have Optimized, Rapid, Nice Yields
**The Performance Principle**

Be HORNY for performance where it matters. But premature optimization is like... well, you know.

**When to get HORNY:**
- ✅ Database queries (indexes, pagination)
- ✅ Image/asset loading (lazy loading, CDN)
- ✅ API responses (caching, compression)
- ✅ Initial page load (code splitting)
- ✅ User-facing operations

**When NOT to get HORNY:**
- ❌ Admin-only operations
- ❌ One-time setup scripts
- ❌ Functions that run once per week
- ❌ Before measuring actual bottlenecks

**HORNY Best Practices:**
```typescript
// HORNY ✅ - Indexed query, pagination
const users = await db.users
  .where('created_at', '>', startDate)
  .limit(50)
  .offset(page * 50);

// Not HORNY ❌ - Loads entire table
const users = await db.users.findAll();
const filtered = users.filter(u => u.created_at > startDate);
```

---

### SPIT: Single Purpose, Isolated, Testable
**The Function Design Principle**

Functions should SPIT out clear results without side effects.

**Good SPIT:**
```typescript
// Pure function - easy to test, no side effects
function calculateDiscount(price: number, couponCode: string): number {
  const discountRate = COUPON_RATES[couponCode] ?? 0;
  return price * discountRate;
}
```

**Bad SPIT:**
```typescript
// Impure - modifies state, logs, calls APIs
function calculateDiscount(price: number, couponCode: string): number {
  console.log('Calculating discount...');
  analytics.track('discount_calculated');
  const rate = db.getCouponRate(couponCode); // DB call in calculator!
  globalCart.discount = price * rate;
  return globalCart.discount;
}
```

**SPIT Rules:**
- One clear purpose
- No side effects
- Same input = same output
- Easy to test
- No hidden dependencies

---

### BDSM: Block, Document, Scope, Modularize
**The Code Organization Principle**

Keep your code restrained and organized. Everything in its place.

**Block:**
- Use code blocks to limit variable scope
- Wrap complex logic in functions
- No global variables escaping

**Document:**
- JSDoc for public APIs
- Comments for complex logic
- README for high-level overview

**Scope:**
- Variables live in smallest scope possible
- No `var`, only `const` and `let`
- Block-level declarations

**Modularize:**
- Break large files into modules
- Export only what's needed
- Clear module boundaries

**Example:**
```typescript
// BDSM-compliant
export class OrderProcessor {
  /**
   * Processes an order and returns transaction ID
   * @throws {ValidationError} if order is invalid
   */
  async process(order: Order): Promise<string> {
    this.validate(order);

    const { paymentId } = await this.processPayment(order);
    const { trackingId } = await this.fulfillOrder(order);

    return this.createTransaction(paymentId, trackingId);
  }

  private validate(order: Order): void { /* ... */ }
  private async processPayment(order: Order) { /* ... */ }
  private async fulfillOrder(order: Order) { /* ... */ }
  private createTransaction(payment: string, tracking: string) { /* ... */ }
}
```

---

### CHOKE: Catch, Handle, Observe, Keep Executing
**The Error Handling Principle**

Don't let errors CHOKE your application. Handle them gracefully.

**CHOKE Strategy:**

**Catch:** Use try-catch appropriately
```typescript
try {
  await riskyOperation();
} catch (error) {
  // Don't swallow it silently!
}
```

**Handle:** Provide meaningful error responses
```typescript
catch (error) {
  if (error instanceof ValidationError) {
    return res.status(400).json({ error: error.message });
  }
  if (error instanceof NotFoundError) {
    return res.status(404).json({ error: 'Resource not found' });
  }
  throw error; // Unknown errors bubble up
}
```

**Observe:** Log errors for debugging
```typescript
catch (error) {
  logger.error('Payment processing failed', {
    orderId: order.id,
    error: error.message,
    stack: error.stack
  });
}
```

**Keep Executing:** Don't crash the whole app
```typescript
// Good - isolated error handling
app.post('/api/orders', async (req, res) => {
  try {
    const order = await processOrder(req.body);
    res.json(order);
  } catch (error) {
    res.status(500).json({ error: 'Order processing failed' });
    // App keeps running for other users
  }
});
```

---

### EDGE: Everyone Deserves Good Experiences
**The User Experience Principle**

Every edge case, error state, and loading screen should be handled with care.

**EDGE Coverage:**

**Loading States:**
```tsx
{isLoading && <Spinner />}
{error && <ErrorMessage error={error} />}
{data && <DataDisplay data={data} />}
```

**Empty States:**
```tsx
{orders.length === 0 && (
  <EmptyState
    icon="📦"
    message="No orders yet"
    action={<Button onClick={createOrder}>Create First Order</Button>}
  />
)}
```

**Error States:**
```tsx
<ErrorBoundary fallback={<ErrorPage />}>
  <App />
</ErrorBoundary>
```

**Edge Cases:**
- What if array is empty?
- What if user is offline?
- What if API times out?
- What if image fails to load?
- What if user has no permissions?

**EDGE Checklist:**
- [ ] Loading states
- [ ] Error states
- [ ] Empty states
- [ ] Offline handling
- [ ] Timeout handling
- [ ] Permission denied states

---

### LUBE: Log, Understand, Build, Execute
**The Debugging Principle**

Debugging is smoother with proper LUBE. Don't go in dry.

**Log:** Strategic logging
```typescript
logger.info('User login attempt', { email, timestamp });
logger.warn('Rate limit exceeded', { userId, endpoint });
logger.error('Payment failed', { orderId, error, amount });
```

**Understand:** Read errors completely
```typescript
// Don't just catch and ignore
catch (error) {
  console.error('Full error:', error);
  console.error('Stack:', error.stack);
  console.error('Context:', { userId, orderId });
}
```

**Build:** Reproduce the bug
```typescript
// Write a failing test first
test('should handle invalid coupon code', () => {
  expect(() => applyCoupon('INVALID')).toThrow(ValidationError);
});
```

**Execute:** Fix and verify
```typescript
// Fix the code
function applyCoupon(code: string) {
  if (!isValidCoupon(code)) {
    throw new ValidationError('Invalid coupon code');
  }
  // ... apply coupon
}

// Test passes now ✅
```

---

### PUMP: Progressively Upgrade, Maintain, Polish
**The Iteration Principle**

Don't try to build the perfect system on day one. PUMP it up over time.

**Progressive Enhancement:**
1. **MVP:** Get it working
2. **Upgrade:** Add features incrementally
3. **Maintain:** Fix bugs, update deps
4. **Polish:** Refine UX, optimize performance

**Example Evolution:**

**Day 1 - MVP:**
```typescript
app.post('/api/orders', (req, res) => {
  const order = createOrder(req.body);
  res.json(order);
});
```

**Week 2 - Upgrade:**
```typescript
app.post('/api/orders', authenticate, async (req, res) => {
  const order = await createOrder(req.user.id, req.body);
  await sendConfirmationEmail(order);
  res.json(order);
});
```

**Month 3 - Maintain:**
```typescript
app.post('/api/orders', authenticate, validate(orderSchema), async (req, res) => {
  try {
    const order = await createOrder(req.user.id, req.body);
    await sendConfirmationEmail(order);
    await analytics.track('order_created', order);
    res.json(order);
  } catch (error) {
    logger.error('Order creation failed', error);
    res.status(500).json({ error: 'Failed to create order' });
  }
});
```

**Year 1 - Polish:**
```typescript
app.post('/api/orders',
  authenticate,
  rateLimit({ max: 10, window: '1m' }),
  validate(orderSchema),
  async (req, res) => {
    const traceId = generateTraceId();
    logger.info('Order creation started', { traceId, userId: req.user.id });

    try {
      const order = await createOrder(req.user.id, req.body);

      // Fire-and-forget tasks
      Promise.all([
        sendConfirmationEmail(order),
        analytics.track('order_created', order),
        notifyAdmin(order),
        updateInventory(order)
      ]).catch(error => logger.error('Background tasks failed', { traceId, error }));

      res.json(order);
    } catch (error) {
      logger.error('Order creation failed', { traceId, error });
      res.status(500).json({
        error: 'Failed to create order',
        traceId // Help user support track the issue
      });
    }
  }
);
```

---

### SHAFT: Specify Honest Absolute Filepaths, Truthfully
**The No-Bullshit Path Principle**

Don't try to be clever with relative paths. Give it to me STRAIGHT - use the full SHAFT.

**Good SHAFT:**
```bash
# Absolute paths - work from anywhere
cd /var/www/myproject && npm run build
ls /var/www/myproject/src/components
cat /var/www/myproject/.env
```

```typescript
// Absolute path resolution in Node.js
const path = require('path');
const templatePath = path.resolve(__dirname, '../../templates/custom', `${filename}.vue`);
```

**Bad SHAFT (Relative paths):**
```bash
# Relative paths - only work if you're in the right place
cd ../.. && npm run build  # Where am I?!
ls src/components          # Works only from project root
cat .env                   # Hope you're in the right directory!
```

**Why SHAFT matters:**
- ✅ Commands work from anywhere
- ✅ No "file not found" surprises
- ✅ Clear what you're operating on
- ✅ Scripts are more robust
- ✅ Other developers won't get lost

**SHAFT Commandments:**
1. Always start with `/` for file paths in bash
2. Use `path.resolve()` in Node.js for absolute paths
3. Use `cd /full/path &&` before operations
4. Avoid `../../` path traversal hell

**Real-world example:**
```typescript
// Bad - breaks when deleting custom page templates
const templatePath = `../../client/src/templates/${filename}.vue`;
fs.unlink(templatePath); // ❌ Might delete wrong file!

// Good - SHAFT ensures we hit the right file
const path = require('path');
const templatePath = path.resolve(__dirname, '../../client/src/templates/custom', `${filename}.vue`);
fs.unlink(templatePath); // ✅ Always correct!
```

**Philosophy:** Give it to me STRAIGHT - use the full SHAFT!

---

### BUCKBROKEN: Build Undeniably, Catch Kinks, Before Releasing, Obliterate Known Errors, Never push broken
**The Continuous Integration Principle**

Run builds frequently to avoid getting BUCKBROKEN by runtime errors in production.

**When to BUCKBROKEN:**
- ✅ Before every commit
- ✅ Before every push
- ✅ After major refactors
- ✅ After dependency updates
- ✅ When you deleted a bunch of FAGS

**BUCKBROKEN Checklist:**
```bash
# 1. Build server
npm run build

# 2. Build client
cd client && npm run build

# 3. Type check
npm run type-check

# 4. Run tests (if you have them)
npm test

# 5. Restart services
pm2 restart myapp
```

**Signs you're BUCKBROKEN:**
- ❌ "It works on my machine" (but not in production)
- ❌ Runtime errors that TypeScript would've caught
- ❌ Missing imports discovered at deploy time
- ❌ CSS not loading because file was deleted
- ❌ API endpoints returning 500 because of typos

**Stay UnBUCKBROKEN:**
- Build early, build often
- CI/CD pipeline runs BUCKBROKEN automatically
- Pre-commit hooks prevent pushing broken code
- Treat build warnings seriously
- Test in production-like environment

**Example BUCKBROKEN workflow:**
```bash
# Before committing
npm run build && npm test && git commit -m "feat: add user profile"

# CI/CD pipeline
- lint
- test
- build
- deploy (only if all pass)
```

**Philosophy:** Better to be BUCKBROKEN in dev than BUCKBROKEN in production!

---

## Testing Principles

### TDD: Test-Driven Development (Or: Touch, Develop, Deliver)
**The Quality Assurance Principle**

Touch your code with tests before you deliver it to production.

**The TDD Cycle:**
1. Write a failing test
2. Write minimal code to pass
3. Refactor
4. Repeat

**Example:**
```typescript
// 1. Write test first
test('calculateTotal adds tax and shipping', () => {
  const total = calculateTotal({ subtotal: 100 });
  expect(total).toBe(115.99); // 100 + 10 tax + 5.99 shipping
});

// 2. Test fails (function doesn't exist)

// 3. Write minimal code
function calculateTotal({ subtotal }: { subtotal: number }): number {
  return subtotal + (subtotal * 0.10) + 5.99;
}

// 4. Test passes ✅

// 5. Refactor
const TAX_RATE = 0.10;
const SHIPPING_COST = 5.99;

function calculateTotal({ subtotal }: { subtotal: number }): number {
  const tax = subtotal * TAX_RATE;
  return subtotal + tax + SHIPPING_COST;
}

// 6. Test still passes ✅
```

---

### BREED: Break, Reproduce, Examine, Eradicate, Deploy
**The Bug Fixing Principle**

Handle bugs like controlled BREEDING - systematic and thorough.

**Break:** Identify the bug
- User reports issue
- Monitor catches error
- You discover it manually

**Reproduce:** Create failing test
```typescript
test('should handle empty cart', () => {
  const cart = { items: [] };
  expect(() => checkout(cart)).not.toThrow();
});
// Currently throws - bug reproduced ✅
```

**Examine:** Understand root cause
```typescript
function checkout(cart) {
  // BUG: Crashes on empty cart
  const total = cart.items.reduce((sum, item) => sum + item.price, 0);
  return total;
}
```

**Eradicate:** Fix the bug
```typescript
function checkout(cart) {
  // Fixed: Handle empty array
  const total = cart.items?.reduce((sum, item) => sum + item.price, 0) ?? 0;
  return total;
}
```

**Deploy:** Ship the fix
```bash
git commit -m "fix: handle empty cart in checkout"
git push
# Test passes ✅
# Deploy to production
```

---

## Database Principles

### ACID: Atomicity, Consistency, Isolation, Durability
**The Transaction Principle**

Database transactions should be ACID-compliant. This is the one serious acronym that actually matters.

**Atomicity:** All or nothing
```typescript
// Either both succeed or both fail
await db.transaction(async (trx) => {
  await trx.orders.create(order);
  await trx.inventory.decrement(order.productId);
  // If inventory fails, order is rolled back
});
```

**Consistency:** Rules are enforced
```sql
-- Constraints ensure consistency
ALTER TABLE orders ADD CONSTRAINT positive_amount
CHECK (total_amount > 0);
```

**Isolation:** Transactions don't interfere
```typescript
// Two users buying last item - only one succeeds
await db.transaction({ isolationLevel: 'serializable' }, async (trx) => {
  const product = await trx.products.findOne(id);
  if (product.stock > 0) {
    await trx.products.decrement({ id }, 'stock');
    await trx.orders.create(order);
  }
});
```

**Durability:** Committed data persists
```typescript
await db.orders.create(order);
// Even if server crashes now, order is saved
```

---

### CREAM: Cache, Read, Evaluate, Access, Maintain
**The Data Access Principle**

Smooth data access requires good CREAM application.

**Cache:** Store frequently accessed data
```typescript
const cache = new Map();

async function getUser(id: string) {
  // Check cache first
  if (cache.has(id)) {
    return cache.get(id);
  }

  // Cache miss - fetch from DB
  const user = await db.users.findOne(id);
  cache.set(id, user);
  return user;
}
```

**Read:** Optimize queries
```typescript
// Good - use indexes
const users = await db.users
  .where('email', email) // Indexed column
  .first();

// Bad - full table scan
const users = await db.users.findAll();
const user = users.find(u => u.email === email);
```

**Evaluate:** Check performance
```sql
EXPLAIN ANALYZE SELECT * FROM orders
WHERE user_id = 123 AND created_at > '2025-01-01';
```

**Access:** Use connection pooling
```typescript
const pool = new Pool({
  max: 20, // Max connections
  min: 5,  // Min connections
  idle: 10000 // Idle timeout
});
```

**Maintain:** Regular cleanup
```typescript
// Archive old records
await db.orders
  .where('created_at', '<', oneYearAgo)
  .update({ archived: true });
```

---

## Git Principles

### COMMIT: Clear, Organized, Meaningful, Merged, Integrated, Tested
**The Version Control Principle**

Every COMMIT should follow these rules.

**Clear:** Descriptive messages
```bash
# Good
git commit -m "fix: handle null user in checkout flow"
git commit -m "feat: add email verification to signup"

# Bad
git commit -m "fix stuff"
git commit -m "updates"
git commit -m "asdfasdf"
```

**Organized:** Logical chunks
```bash
# Good - separate concerns
git add src/auth/login.ts
git commit -m "feat: add login rate limiting"

git add src/auth/signup.ts
git commit -m "feat: add email verification to signup"

# Bad - everything at once
git add .
git commit -m "bunch of changes"
```

**Meaningful:** Atomic commits
- Each commit should do ONE thing
- Should be independently revertible
- Should pass tests

**Merged:** Clean history
```bash
# Squash feature commits before merging
git rebase -i main
# Squash 10 "wip" commits into 1 clean commit
```

**Integrated:** CI/CD passing
- Tests pass
- Linting passes
- Build succeeds
- No merge conflicts

**Tested:** Verify before pushing
```bash
npm test
npm run build
git push
```

---

## Architecture Principles

### SOLID (Seriously, Learn This Shit)
**The OOP Principles**

These are legit principles. Memorize them.

**S - Single Responsibility**
```typescript
// Good - one responsibility
class UserAuthenticator {
  authenticate(credentials) { /* ... */ }
}

class UserRepository {
  save(user) { /* ... */ }
}

// Bad - too many responsibilities
class UserManager {
  authenticate() { /* ... */ }
  save() { /* ... */ }
  sendEmail() { /* ... */ }
  generateReport() { /* ... */ }
}
```

**O - Open/Closed**
```typescript
// Open for extension, closed for modification
interface PaymentProcessor {
  process(amount: number): Promise<void>;
}

class StripeProcessor implements PaymentProcessor { /* ... */ }
class PayPalProcessor implements PaymentProcessor { /* ... */ }

// Add new processor without modifying existing code
class CryptoProcessor implements PaymentProcessor { /* ... */ }
```

**L - Liskov Substitution**
```typescript
// Subtypes should be substitutable for base types
class Bird {
  fly() { /* ... */ }
}

// Good - maintains contract
class Eagle extends Bird {
  fly() { /* flies like eagle */ }
}

// Bad - breaks contract (penguins can't fly)
class Penguin extends Bird {
  fly() { throw new Error("Can't fly!"); }
}
```

**I - Interface Segregation**
```typescript
// Many specific interfaces better than one general

// Good
interface Readable { read(): string; }
interface Writable { write(data: string): void; }

class File implements Readable, Writable { /* ... */ }
class ReadOnlyFile implements Readable { /* ... */ }

// Bad - forces classes to implement unused methods
interface FileOperations {
  read(): string;
  write(data: string): void;
  delete(): void;
  compress(): void;
}
```

**D - Dependency Inversion**
```typescript
// Depend on abstractions, not concretions

// Good
class OrderService {
  constructor(private emailService: EmailService) {}

  async createOrder(order: Order) {
    await this.save(order);
    await this.emailService.send(order.user.email, 'Order confirmed');
  }
}

// Bad - directly depends on concrete implementation
class OrderService {
  async createOrder(order: Order) {
    await this.save(order);
    await fetch('https://api.sendgrid.com/send', { /* ... */ });
  }
}
```

---

## Deployment Principles

### SHIP: Secure, Healthy, Integrated, Performant
**The Production Readiness Principle**

Before you SHIP to production, check these boxes.

**Secure:**
- [ ] No hardcoded secrets
- [ ] HTTPS enabled
- [ ] Auth on all protected routes
- [ ] Input validation
- [ ] SQL injection prevention
- [ ] XSS prevention
- [ ] CSRF protection

**Healthy:**
- [ ] Health check endpoint
- [ ] Logging configured
- [ ] Error tracking (Sentry, etc.)
- [ ] Monitoring (uptime, metrics)
- [ ] Backup strategy
- [ ] Rollback plan

**Integrated:**
- [ ] CI/CD pipeline
- [ ] Automated tests
- [ ] Environment variables
- [ ] Database migrations
- [ ] Zero-downtime deployment

**Performant:**
- [ ] Database indexes
- [ ] Caching strategy
- [ ] CDN for static assets
- [ ] Lazy loading
- [ ] Code splitting
- [ ] Compression enabled

---

## The Kinky Coder's Commandments

1. **Thou shalt RAPE thy code** - Keep it efficient
2. **Thou shalt practice safe SEX** - Security always
3. **Thou shalt delete all FAGS** - No dead code
4. **Thou shalt treat AIDS immediately** - Align docs and code
5. **Thou shalt PEG obsolete features** - Kill your darlings
6. **Thou shalt consult MOMMY** - Question backwards compatibility
7. **Thou shalt master ORAL** - Write readable code
8. **Thou shalt POUND thy structure** - Organize logically
9. **Thou shalt be HORNY strategically** - Optimize what matters
10. **Thou shalt SPIT cleanly** - Pure functions
11. **Thou shalt practice BDSM** - Keep code restrained
12. **Thou shalt not CHOKE** - Handle errors gracefully
13. **Thou shalt honor the EDGE** - Consider all cases
14. **Thou shalt apply LUBE** - Debug systematically
15. **Thou shalt PUMP iteratively** - Build progressively
16. **Thou shalt BREED responsibly** - Fix bugs methodically
17. **Thou shalt maintain ACID** - Respect transactions
18. **Thou shalt apply CREAM** - Access data smoothly
19. **Thou shalt COMMIT properly** - Version control discipline
20. **Thou shalt SHIP with care** - Production readiness

---

## Conclusion

Programming doesn't have to be boring. These principles have been refined over a century of software development, and now you'll actually remember them because they're funny as hell.

**The Result:**
- ✅ Better code quality
- ✅ More security awareness
- ✅ Faster debugging
- ✅ Cleaner architecture
- ✅ More enjoyable code reviews
- ✅ Memorable best practices

**Share this manifesto** with your team. Make development fun again. Make your code sexy.

---

## Contributing

Got more kinky acronyms? Submit them! Let's build the most memorable programming guide ever written.

**Potential additions:**
- STRIP: Simplify, Test, Refactor, Integrate, Push
- TEASE: Test Early, Automate, Ship, Evaluate
- SPANK: Standardize, Plan, Automate, Never stop improving, Keep it simple
- CLIMAX: Code, Launch, Iterate, Monitor, Analyze, eXecute

The possibilities are endless!

---

## License

**WTFPL** - Do What The Fuck You Want To Public License

This manifesto is free for all. Use it, share it, teach it, put it on t-shirts, present it at conferences (good luck with that). Just make programming fun again.

---

**Remember:** Code is temporary, but kinky acronyms are forever.

🔥 **Happy Coding, You Sexy Developers** 🔥